Powerless

I hate feeling powerless.  I hate knowing someone is hurting and there is NOTHING you can do but pray about it.  I hate even more, knowing that someone is hurting and it in some way has to do with you, but you still can't do anything about it.  You just have to let things play out how they will and hope for the best.  Any way you want to look at it, someone is going to get hurt, and I am powerless to stop it.

You want someone to be happy, but when a situation is examined, you may see that the happiness they have is only on the surface.  Then you wonder, if they make a choice that negatively impacts you for the sake of that surface happiness, what's going to happen when their world comes crashing down around them?  You know others are going to be hurt too, when that happens, and you are powerless to stop it.  You just have to let things play out how they will and hope for the best.  Any way you look at it, someone will get hurt.  Perhaps multiple someone's will get hurt.  You are powerless to stop it.

Fate doesn't let you decide who gets hurt and who is spared.  Fate provides you with tools to make others think, but it doesn't provide you with that proverbial light bulb to stick over someone's head that will magically light up when the person you don't want to see hurt actually listens to you and the light bulb comes on because they now know what they have to do.  Even when you are right, you might get hurt, and you are for the most part, powerless to stop it.

Worse yet is when children are involved.  Doesn't matter who's children they are.  When children are hurt, it is a sin.  Children shouldn't have to be hurt because of decisions adults have to make.  In most cases, if adults would learn to set aside their differences, children wouldn't have to be hurt.  But it happens.  More often than not.  Every day.  Several times a day.  And you are powerless to stop it.

I don't want power to stop everything.  I just want the power to protect myself, my feelings, my heart, and my children, their feelings, and their hearts.  They don't deserve to be hurt because other people are jealous, insecure, and somewhat selfish.  I try to exercise power over these things, but at a certain point, the power no longer lies with me.  It lies with someone else.  And I am powerless to stop the hurt.  I hope and pray that someone who does have the power intervenes, and gives us all a happy ending.

Life's Frustrations

I am not an overly religious person, but I do believe in a higher power...probably several of them, because I don't think there is any way one God can supervise the entire population of this earth.  Or maybe there is only one God, but like our president, he has a cabinet of sorts to whom he delegates his work.  I guess those would be the saints and apostles, if you follow Catholicism at all. Anyway, my point here is just how frustrating it is when you have to leave things in God's hands, or in the hands of the higher power you believe in.

All the while my mother was suffering with her knee pain before her surgery, I wished there was something I could do to help take her pain away.  I tried everything I could do, but she needed surgery and she was afraid to do it, so she lived in pain.  All I could do was pray to God that she would realize the best way out of the pain was to risk the surgery.  Eventually the prayer was answered and she had the surgery.

A friend's sister was diagnosed with breast cancer recently.  She had to have a left breast mastectomy.  They were concerned there may have been some spread to the right side as there were dark areas on the imaging they weren't sure about.  The waiting game is awful.  What can you do?  Pray to God the images were shadows and the cancer is gone.  Thankfully, this prayer was also answered and she is clear for now.  She has a 2.5 year old daughter.  It is hard to think of a little girl that age growing up without her mother.

Another old friend has the BRCA gene and was scheduled for a double mastectomy.  Instead when she went for screenings and such before that surgery, they discovered kidney cancer and had to take care of that before she could have the mastectomies.  She, too, has a son under the age of 10.  What can you do?  Pray and hope and have faith that the prayers for her full recovery are answered.

Scott, my fiance, went to the emergency room Monday because he had a kidney stone.  All the while he was writhing in pain, rocking back and forth, trying to do something to make it go away.  They say kidney stones feel like labor pains.  Given I had no pain relievers when I gave birth to my youngest daughter, I felt extremely bad that I could do nothing to help his pain.  I just prayed to God that it would pass soon and he would start feeling better.  Within several hours he was feeling relief, but he still has yet to pass the stone, and  more pain may be on the way.  For now it is managed, he's gone back to work, and for that, I thank God.

I got word yesterday that someone I know was diagnosed with leukemia.  I also found out she is fairly early in a pregnancy.  She is suffering from pneumonia as well, which is causing her difficulty breathing.  She and her husband also have a young son.  They are trying to filter the leukemia from the blood and will do a bone marrow test in a few days.  Praying that she makes it.  She's about my age.  I can't imagine being stricken with something like that, someone having to explain to my children how sick I am, and no one knowing if I will ever really be their mommy again.

Prayer is a wonderful thing, but it is so frustrating waiting for those prayers to be answered.  The other difficult aspect to remember is that sometimes prayers go unanswered for reasons...even if we don't understand or even know the reason, we are supposed to trust that God has a plan and there are reasons for everything that happens.  He is not supposed to give us anything we can't handle however I must say, He sure does a good job of emotionally breaking people and stressing us out.

I am also currently praying about what to do with my educational path.  I thirst for knowledge and have a strong desire to help those in need.  I want to help children who are on the wrong side of the tracks get back on the straight and narrow, and I want to help educate parents on how to help themselves so they can help their children as well.  Part of me wants to pursue a Ph.D. in counseling psychology, another part of me wants to do school psychology, and another part of me wants to go to medical school to become a psychiatrist rather than just a psychologist.  Doing all of or any of it sounds wonderful however I am racking up enormous debt and also wish to get to work so I can start contributing to the house, or to a savings account or something to help our family in the financial department.  Medical school would require substantial time away from my family.  How much can I make my children miss me in pursuit of living the American dream and giving them everything they want, need and then some? I guess I will continue to mull it over and wait for God to show me a sign.  How frustrating it is to wait for someone, but I trust that good things come to those who wait, and again, everything happens for a reason.

In a Moment...

In a moment, the wind could blow

In a moment, the thunder could roll

In a moment, the lightning could strike

In a moment, the rain could fall 

In a moment, the fire could burn 

In a moment, the waves could crash

In a moment, the water could rise

In a moment, you may not get the chance to say goodbye

In a moment, you could lose everything

In a moment, this could all be gone

In a moment, you have the chance

In a moment, you could make the best of the last

In a moment, you can apologize

In a moment, you can realize

In a moment, you can forgive

In a moment, you can truly live

In a moment, it can, and if you could, you should.   

A Worthwhile Vacation

My family and I just got back from a week in Watkins Glen.  We stayed at the state campground there, which wasn't the nicest state camp I've ever been to, but it did the trick.  The best part about the loop we stayed in is there was a fairly direct entrance to the gorge trail, and the gorge hike was truly breathtaking.  You know it's beautiful when your three year old is standing against the rock wall, observing a waterfall saying "this is so beautiful mommy."  It was worth every step of that hike just to watch my daughter taking in nature's beauty.

We had to use a local laundromat one night, because someone had a little bed wetting accident during nap time, soaking mine and daddy's sleeping bags...but it was good we went there because I picked up a brochure for both Watkins Glen Speedway and the Farm Sanctuary.  The brochure for the speedway had an ad for "Thunder Road Tours."  Turns out you pay $25 to take your vehicle on three guided laps around the speedway.  $25, and me, dying to get on a racetrack all my life behind the wheel, oh yeah...you better believe we were taking my beat up, 200+ thousand mile minivan on that track!  There were three great parts of that experience.  The first was not even halfway through lap one, when I was the 3rd vehicle behind the pace truck, stuck behind a Kia Rio that wouldn't go faster than 45mph...the pace truck driver pulled us all over and told that guy to go to the back of the pack!  Nothing like pretty much being black-flagged on paced laps huh?  The second was stopping at the start-finish line for some photos, and third was actually getting the van up to 72 mph on one of the straightaways.  The funniest part of the ride though, was when Scott yelled at me to slow down in a couple corners because my wheels were squealing..."this will tip over quicker than that pick up truck in front of you..."  Okay grandpa...keep your seatbelt on and close your eyes if you are scared.  Ha ha...glad he wasn't driving :)

The Farm Sanctuary was a pretty cool place to go.  Now I am not Vegan, but I don't bash them and I understand where they come from.  Visiting the farm sanctuary just broadened my perspective on Vegetarianism further.  This place was gorgeous.  They rescue farm animals from factory farming type situations and abusive situations.  It is great work they do.  For those who don't really know what factory farming is, look up Foie Gras.  That gives you an idea of what happens in factory farming settings.  Anyway, after visiting there, it gave me the idea that someday I am really going to try to overcome my texture issues and incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet.  I can't say that I can ever see myself eating TOFU however I can see myself reasonably cutting down on chicken and other meats I currently have in my diet.  Anyway, this is a great place to bring your children, as they can get up close and personal with many of the rescued animals which include pigs, goats, chickens, turkeys, cows and sheep.  They also have some bunnies there.  My older daughter was a bit skeptical about getting too close to the animals but my youngest just jumped right in, as you can see in the photo below.

Scott was a little bummed that we weren't right on the water at our site.  Seneca Lake, as well as several other smaller lakes, were very close by however.  So my three year old (who we actually lovingly call "Cub") doesn't have much interest in farm animals, but she DOES have an interest in fishing.  In fact on the hottest day of our vacation, which was undoubtedly Friday, we were outside in the blistering sun, trying to catch some fish in the Catharine Creek at the Montour Marina in Montour Falls.  We had picked up pizza and wings for lunch, along with some root beer, and decided to sit at a picnic table there at the marina to eat, then fish right after.  There was no shade to be found, so I grabbed my umbrella and used it to shield my two year old (who has the nickname of "Critter") and myself from the sun but it was still just too hot.  After a while, Critter and I retreated to the air conditioned van while Cub and daddy continued to try to fish.  She told her daddy she liked fishing...I guess I know what is likely to become the father's day tradition, at least for those two!  We also found a nice fishing spot a few nights before, on Cayuta Lake, at the boat launch area.  It is a small, peaceful lake, but we didn't get anymore bites there than we did in the creek.  Daddy taught Cub how to cast while we were on Cayuta that night, while Critter took the binoculars, pointed them to the sky and told the moon to say cheese because she was taking its picture...

We also took a sightseeing tour on Seneca Lake.  Not a whole lot to see, but it was Critter's first time on a boat like this, so it was worth it for her excitement.  Plus we learned a little bit about the salt factories there in Watkins Glen that have set up shop on the shores of Seneca.  It is a very interesting process.  We spent some time in Clute Park, which is along the shore and has a beach area, picnic areas, a park area, and just a pretty view.  Going there around sundown is nice.  The beach wasn't the greatest, because I don't like seaweed in my swimming water, but if you are desperate I guess it would do (no, we did not go in the water there).

All in all, this was a great trip.  The weeping willow tree made me think of my grandmother, as did the train whistles that woke me up a couple of times in the middle of the night (she always used to say that a train whistle in the dead of night was the most lonesome sound ever...I tend to agree with her). Being on the race track and at the farm sanctuary made me think of a friend, his girlfriend and her son...the little guy would have thought it was super cool to be on the race track...of course he would have wanted to be in a Mustang...hell...I would like to have been in a Mustang but I am just thankful for the opportunity at this point, so minivan and all, I am satisfied :)

When my girls are a bit older, I would like to head out that way again.  They are in the middle of construction on a trail they are calling the Catharine Valley Trail, which I think is a hiking/biking trail...be nice to do it by bike..it will be about 12 miles long when it is finished.  They also have different wine "trails" you can drive along, stopping to sample wines and tour vineyards.  I'm definitely no wine expert, so taking that trip and learning something new sounds good to me.  I'd like to order wine someday without having to ask my server fifty questions :)

So vacation is over.  School starts again for me in three weeks.  Cub starts sometime in September, and Critter still has to wait another year...I may try to do a weekend getaway to Saranac Lake before camping season ends, but I'll have to see.  It's a lot to pack up for the girls and us just to go for a couple days.  Maybe I will just go with my niece on a girls weekend :)  We haven't done that in a while.

Til next time, God Bless and all take care!

Matters of the Past, How They Affect the Future, and the Present

When people have affairs, I am almost certain they don't think about the detrimental long term consequences their actions can and will have on their spouses, their children, their friends, and other members of their families, or even how it will change their own selves.  Then what happens when that affair produces a child?  You have one party who is married, and the other who is not.  One might call the one who is not a home wrecker, a slut, a whore, all sorts of nasty things...but you know all, it takes two to make three so lets not be too nasty here, and sometimes its the man in the situation who isn't married...then what?  He's praised for being able to lure a beautiful woman out of her marriage bed and into his?  So unfair.

History has a way of repeating itself, in almost carbon copy most of the time.  Not this time.  I was the product of an affair.  For 30 years, it put at least one of my sisters through emotional hell, and I grew up struggling with why my father didn't want anything to do with me.  I tried contacting him a few times.  I never received any replies.  After 30 years, I decided I would put feelers out to see if I had any siblings I didn't know about.  Sure enough I had two.  I contacted my sister Kim.  She's been amazing to have as a sister, and I regret not being able to grow up with her in my life, as a guide, role model, mentor, however the choice in the matter was not hers nor mine.  Damn affairs.

So back to that history thing.  I have a daughter.  I was married when I became pregnant with her.  We were at a point where we were spending time apart, and I started spending more time with one of my best guy friends, who is the father of my two children and whom I am likely going to spend forever with.  I was at a point in life where I felt I was lost, I was missing so many things, or so it felt, and finding comfort in another man's arms just seemed natural to me.  If I'd grown up with a father, I don't think I'd seek out so much attention and acceptance from other males the way I did.  I'd probably never have strayed from my marriage, and I'd still happily be someone else's wife.  My story however doesn't take that turn.  Now I very well could have never told my daughter's father I was pregnant.  I could have told him but then told him I planned to stay in my marriage and asked him to sign off his rights to her and just let my husband be her father.  I could have done EXACTLY what was done to me when I was an infant, but I didn't.  I know the emotional disaster it caused for myself and my sister Kim, and I wasn't ever going to put any child of mine through it.  The thing is, my daughter would have had a father, it just wouldn't have been her blood father.  The problem with that is I wouldn't feel right keeping such a tremendous secret from her, nor would I feel right hurting my child's father the way my own father hurt my mother - by denying my existence - I would have been asking him to deny her existence - see the vicious cycle here?

Present day brings a "happy ending" of sorts.  Not only did I become very close to my sister Kim, but just this past March I finally had the opportunity to meet the man who chose not to be my father, and the woman who never got to be my stepmother.  Its really sad for me because I can tell I would have gotten along just fine with her and I think my dad and I would have done great together.  We could have taken on the world together.  We would have had each other...but I didn't get that chance.  The most important thing now though, is that he has met my daughters, and he knows who I am, and he is slowly becoming part of our lives, as is my stepmother.  She has made a few things and sent them to my daughters and it is really so sweet of her to do such grandmotherly things for them.

So my lesson in all of this is, always, ALWAYS tell the truth.  You might think you are doing what is best but you have to think about EVERYONE involved, not just yourself and the sperm donor or sperm bank.  I will say that there are exceptions...like if the father is a drunk, drug abuser, or violent toward you...that's not the kind of life to have a child grow up in / around.  If it is otherwise a fairly "normal" situation (LOL), tell the truth because you have no idea how much you are hurting someone...the hurt may not be immediately noticeable, but as time marches on, people grow, people change, people ask questions, people let things soak in, they absorb them, swish them around, attach feelings to them, and develop opinions and feelings that  may be negative and detrimental to their overall well being.  Just ask yourself "would I want this done to me? How would I handle it if this were happening to me?"  Trust me, it isn't any fun!

Blonde strands of hair resting against your cheek

Arms bent, hands curled under your chin

With every breath you take I wonder where you are

At an arms reach, yet in dreamland afar 

Are you dreaming of ice pops or throwing rocks

Riding the four wheeler or looking for your teether

Learning to open a door or by the fire having a s'more

Snuggled under your blanket so cozy

Its warm, so your cheeks are getting a little rosy

When you wake I will ask if you slept well

You will tell me yes and smile, and my heart will swell

Happiness, joy, admiration and love

Tons of it for my angel from above

Sleep tight little one

When you wake, we will have more fun

Floating Faith and Hope

You were taken away in the seventh month, on the seventh day
Outside, so hot and sticky as the sun set in the west
Inside, you lay there and took your last breath
I looked out over the hillside, tears pouring from my eyes
That brutal beast of a sun, still setting in the western sky
It was eerily similar to the day Bobby was taken away
Except the sky poured down rain that day
Like the tears from our heart, those tears of pain
Now my grandmother's daughter, the one I call my mother
She's waiting, suffering in pain
Waiting to die, waiting to live, waiting to stop the rain
The rain of tears from her eyes
They fall, fast and furious, in a steady stream
They lead to a river where there is a boat
We call it Floating Faith and Hope
It is all we have left, that faith and hope
Anger, sadness, depression; the alarm bells ring
What can I do, but not one darn thing
Throw her a life ring and hold onto the rope
Reel her in to Floating Faith and Hope
Hoping to find that faith and hope are enough
To get us all through these seas so rough