Matters of the Past, How They Affect the Future, and the Present

When people have affairs, I am almost certain they don't think about the detrimental long term consequences their actions can and will have on their spouses, their children, their friends, and other members of their families, or even how it will change their own selves.  Then what happens when that affair produces a child?  You have one party who is married, and the other who is not.  One might call the one who is not a home wrecker, a slut, a whore, all sorts of nasty things...but you know all, it takes two to make three so lets not be too nasty here, and sometimes its the man in the situation who isn't married...then what?  He's praised for being able to lure a beautiful woman out of her marriage bed and into his?  So unfair.

History has a way of repeating itself, in almost carbon copy most of the time.  Not this time.  I was the product of an affair.  For 30 years, it put at least one of my sisters through emotional hell, and I grew up struggling with why my father didn't want anything to do with me.  I tried contacting him a few times.  I never received any replies.  After 30 years, I decided I would put feelers out to see if I had any siblings I didn't know about.  Sure enough I had two.  I contacted my sister Kim.  She's been amazing to have as a sister, and I regret not being able to grow up with her in my life, as a guide, role model, mentor, however the choice in the matter was not hers nor mine.  Damn affairs.

So back to that history thing.  I have a daughter.  I was married when I became pregnant with her.  We were at a point where we were spending time apart, and I started spending more time with one of my best guy friends, who is the father of my two children and whom I am likely going to spend forever with.  I was at a point in life where I felt I was lost, I was missing so many things, or so it felt, and finding comfort in another man's arms just seemed natural to me.  If I'd grown up with a father, I don't think I'd seek out so much attention and acceptance from other males the way I did.  I'd probably never have strayed from my marriage, and I'd still happily be someone else's wife.  My story however doesn't take that turn.  Now I very well could have never told my daughter's father I was pregnant.  I could have told him but then told him I planned to stay in my marriage and asked him to sign off his rights to her and just let my husband be her father.  I could have done EXACTLY what was done to me when I was an infant, but I didn't.  I know the emotional disaster it caused for myself and my sister Kim, and I wasn't ever going to put any child of mine through it.  The thing is, my daughter would have had a father, it just wouldn't have been her blood father.  The problem with that is I wouldn't feel right keeping such a tremendous secret from her, nor would I feel right hurting my child's father the way my own father hurt my mother - by denying my existence - I would have been asking him to deny her existence - see the vicious cycle here?

Present day brings a "happy ending" of sorts.  Not only did I become very close to my sister Kim, but just this past March I finally had the opportunity to meet the man who chose not to be my father, and the woman who never got to be my stepmother.  Its really sad for me because I can tell I would have gotten along just fine with her and I think my dad and I would have done great together.  We could have taken on the world together.  We would have had each other...but I didn't get that chance.  The most important thing now though, is that he has met my daughters, and he knows who I am, and he is slowly becoming part of our lives, as is my stepmother.  She has made a few things and sent them to my daughters and it is really so sweet of her to do such grandmotherly things for them.

So my lesson in all of this is, always, ALWAYS tell the truth.  You might think you are doing what is best but you have to think about EVERYONE involved, not just yourself and the sperm donor or sperm bank.  I will say that there are exceptions...like if the father is a drunk, drug abuser, or violent toward you...that's not the kind of life to have a child grow up in / around.  If it is otherwise a fairly "normal" situation (LOL), tell the truth because you have no idea how much you are hurting someone...the hurt may not be immediately noticeable, but as time marches on, people grow, people change, people ask questions, people let things soak in, they absorb them, swish them around, attach feelings to them, and develop opinions and feelings that  may be negative and detrimental to their overall well being.  Just ask yourself "would I want this done to me? How would I handle it if this were happening to me?"  Trust me, it isn't any fun!

Blonde strands of hair resting against your cheek

Arms bent, hands curled under your chin

With every breath you take I wonder where you are

At an arms reach, yet in dreamland afar 

Are you dreaming of ice pops or throwing rocks

Riding the four wheeler or looking for your teether

Learning to open a door or by the fire having a s'more

Snuggled under your blanket so cozy

Its warm, so your cheeks are getting a little rosy

When you wake I will ask if you slept well

You will tell me yes and smile, and my heart will swell

Happiness, joy, admiration and love

Tons of it for my angel from above

Sleep tight little one

When you wake, we will have more fun

Floating Faith and Hope

You were taken away in the seventh month, on the seventh day
Outside, so hot and sticky as the sun set in the west
Inside, you lay there and took your last breath
I looked out over the hillside, tears pouring from my eyes
That brutal beast of a sun, still setting in the western sky
It was eerily similar to the day Bobby was taken away
Except the sky poured down rain that day
Like the tears from our heart, those tears of pain
Now my grandmother's daughter, the one I call my mother
She's waiting, suffering in pain
Waiting to die, waiting to live, waiting to stop the rain
The rain of tears from her eyes
They fall, fast and furious, in a steady stream
They lead to a river where there is a boat
We call it Floating Faith and Hope
It is all we have left, that faith and hope
Anger, sadness, depression; the alarm bells ring
What can I do, but not one darn thing
Throw her a life ring and hold onto the rope
Reel her in to Floating Faith and Hope
Hoping to find that faith and hope are enough
To get us all through these seas so rough

Running from Sasquatch...or a Deer...LOL

So today is my youngest daughter's 2nd birthday, and we had her party yesterday.  I was exhausted from spending nearly the entire night at the emergency room with my mother, sleeping 3.5 hours, going back to the emergency room, then heading back here about an hour before the party was to start.  While hanging streamers at the top of the driveway, something in the woods startled me.  I turned and saw something large, probably a bear or a deer, but anyway, it startled me and I ran down the hillside toward my driveway, which is also a steep hill.  The hillside kinda dropped off and I either had to jump or fall flat on my face, so I jumped, giving myself a severe case of road rash and a sprain somewhere in my left leg.  Now my fiance picks on me, because I have such a love for the show "Finding Bigfoot", that it must have been Sasquatch who scared me in order for me to feel compelled to run down the cliff of a hillside that lines our driveway...probably won't do that one again.  Thank God for the ice packs and painkillers!  Were I not sleep deprived, I don't think I would have done this... I can tell you next time I want to go cliff diving, it won't be off the side of my driveway :)

Life as I know it

Life as I know it is mostly a beautiful thing.  Every time my girls smile and laugh, I remember what life is all about - living, laughing, and loving every minute of it.  Well, maybe not EVERY minute of it, for there are those experiences which sadden and anger us and we don't wish to love those.  Nevertheless we should embrace them, learn and grow from them, and appreciate them for helping build our character.  Life as I know it is a beach.  Preferably an ocean beach, in Maine...even though the water is cold...the rocky coast is truly something to behold...my life changes just as the beach changes with every crash of a wave, and the jagged coastline changes too, just more subtly and less noticeably.  I would take a Maine beach over a Florida beach any day.  I have plenty more beaches to see, God willing I can ever make it to them, and each visit will shape and change me, hopefully for the better.  I know my girls are happy when they visit the beach.  It's really about appreciating the simple things.