When people have affairs, I am almost certain they don't think about the detrimental long term consequences their actions can and will have on their spouses, their children, their friends, and other members of their families, or even how it will change their own selves. Then what happens when that affair produces a child? You have one party who is married, and the other who is not. One might call the one who is not a home wrecker, a slut, a whore, all sorts of nasty things...but you know all, it takes two to make three so lets not be too nasty here, and sometimes its the man in the situation who isn't married...then what? He's praised for being able to lure a beautiful woman out of her marriage bed and into his? So unfair.
History has a way of repeating itself, in almost carbon copy most of the time. Not this time. I was the product of an affair. For 30 years, it put at least one of my sisters through emotional hell, and I grew up struggling with why my father didn't want anything to do with me. I tried contacting him a few times. I never received any replies. After 30 years, I decided I would put feelers out to see if I had any siblings I didn't know about. Sure enough I had two. I contacted my sister Kim. She's been amazing to have as a sister, and I regret not being able to grow up with her in my life, as a guide, role model, mentor, however the choice in the matter was not hers nor mine. Damn affairs.
So back to that history thing. I have a daughter. I was married when I became pregnant with her. We were at a point where we were spending time apart, and I started spending more time with one of my best guy friends, who is the father of my two children and whom I am likely going to spend forever with. I was at a point in life where I felt I was lost, I was missing so many things, or so it felt, and finding comfort in another man's arms just seemed natural to me. If I'd grown up with a father, I don't think I'd seek out so much attention and acceptance from other males the way I did. I'd probably never have strayed from my marriage, and I'd still happily be someone else's wife. My story however doesn't take that turn. Now I very well could have never told my daughter's father I was pregnant. I could have told him but then told him I planned to stay in my marriage and asked him to sign off his rights to her and just let my husband be her father. I could have done EXACTLY what was done to me when I was an infant, but I didn't. I know the emotional disaster it caused for myself and my sister Kim, and I wasn't ever going to put any child of mine through it. The thing is, my daughter would have had a father, it just wouldn't have been her blood father. The problem with that is I wouldn't feel right keeping such a tremendous secret from her, nor would I feel right hurting my child's father the way my own father hurt my mother - by denying my existence - I would have been asking him to deny her existence - see the vicious cycle here?
Present day brings a "happy ending" of sorts. Not only did I become very close to my sister Kim, but just this past March I finally had the opportunity to meet the man who chose not to be my father, and the woman who never got to be my stepmother. Its really sad for me because I can tell I would have gotten along just fine with her and I think my dad and I would have done great together. We could have taken on the world together. We would have had each other...but I didn't get that chance. The most important thing now though, is that he has met my daughters, and he knows who I am, and he is slowly becoming part of our lives, as is my stepmother. She has made a few things and sent them to my daughters and it is really so sweet of her to do such grandmotherly things for them.
So my lesson in all of this is, always, ALWAYS tell the truth. You might think you are doing what is best but you have to think about EVERYONE involved, not just yourself and the sperm donor or sperm bank. I will say that there are exceptions...like if the father is a drunk, drug abuser, or violent toward you...that's not the kind of life to have a child grow up in / around. If it is otherwise a fairly "normal" situation (LOL), tell the truth because you have no idea how much you are hurting someone...the hurt may not be immediately noticeable, but as time marches on, people grow, people change, people ask questions, people let things soak in, they absorb them, swish them around, attach feelings to them, and develop opinions and feelings that may be negative and detrimental to their overall well being. Just ask yourself "would I want this done to me? How would I handle it if this were happening to me?" Trust me, it isn't any fun!
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